Keeping up appearances;

"Away & mock the time with fairest show;
False face must hide what the false heart doth know."
-Shakespeare, Macbeth.

It's as if nobody but me can see the dream,
and there are insurmountable obstacles at every turn.
And though i blame others,
i've pretty sure most of the obstacles have to do with me.
I'm not even sure what i am doing to thwart each effort.
I just do.

I'm so preoccupied with my own issues that i can't even make
sense of this moment, let alone the dream.
It feels like i will never be fit, prepared, or matured to match
the beauty and grandeur of what i've seen in the distance.

The dreams are becoming cruel mirages, shimmering pools
of once naive hope,
now melted.

I now fear that i am becoming jaded to such dreaming and am settling
into a grey existence of sleepy living in a land where it is
always desert,
with no oasis.


& to amplify the point,
its time to admit what we're really thinking here:
You have no idea who I am.
Nobody knows who I am.
Nobody.
Not even my spouse.

I'm surrounded by friends and family,
but they don't know me.
Every time I enter a room,
it's with a persona as big as i am.

I posture & position & pontificate.
I can make small talk.
I can even enter into meaningful, deep &
highly intellectual discussion.

But the person you would have perceived to see,
is made up of lies;
of a psychological disguise.
While the real person frantically operates the levers from behind.

I leave almost every encounter desperately alone,
and feeling deeply unknown.

I fear the truth.
Because i fear betrayal.


"God hath given you one face, and you make
yourself another."-William Shakespeare.