Though i haven't lost my faith;
i must confess right now,
that its hard for me to pray.

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours.

& i like the sun shining on my face as i awake.
Today is a good day; but the grey skies gives hidden innuendos.
It's like a beautiful and happy picture,
but with a sad background.

I was thinking, in the wee hours of the morning,
about my relationships.
How they have changed my life & whatnot.
Throughout the years; the different people.

Audrey. Alessa. Cherie. Nicole. Natalie. Shermaine. Sarah.
How they're changed me for the better or the worst.

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life


After Sarah, i told myself i don't wanna fall in love again.
Cause im gonna hurt the other person again.
& i hurt all of them badly previously.
Especially nicole;

I mean, maybe my conscience isn't there.
Or maybe i care too much about myself & all my materialistic things/wants,
to actually bother about their vulerable feelings.


But then came along this girl; I don't wanna name her yet.
Of all the people, i never would have believed that i would have fall for her.
I mean she's older then sarah, but younger then me.

So anyway, we talked/sms and i fell for her eventually.
But somehow, i realised that liking her would be sucidal.
WHY?- Because i neeed to rethink my life again;
i neeed to do the most important thing in my life:

To get close to God again.

I've drifted from him like because i just didn't believe in him.
Religion to me, became paradoxical.


I remember, some 2 years ago, someone asking something.
Uncle Jacob.
He asked a question to a group of people and i was there;
"If you were to walk out of here and get
hit by a car, could you be certain that you'll go to heaven
even though you raise hands in worship, kneel down in prayer,
give 10% of what you earn every week?"

At that point of time i could safely tell myself that yeah,
i definately would.

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you.

2 years later, present day.
I cannot bear to answer the same question.
Not because i do not know the answer,
but because the answer condemns me.

I follow my parents to church every sunday.
I have a choice to attend youth or early service,
but i choose to sit outside in the plaza and talk to nat.

After youth or early service,
I have a choice to attend later service or go to cartel.
I chose the later.

It sucks doesn't it ?
Like God isn't important in my life anymore.
Even to the extent that i would place food over him.


I had a classmate in my class; although we weren't close
& we differ through many aspects, he still caught my eye.

He was a christian; but he gave up the faith and turned satanic.

NO NO NO; don't get me wrong.
I AM NOT ABOUT TO GIVE MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL.
The devil can go and die, for all i care.

But i was wondering what initiated the religious swap.

& now that i face the similar mystification he faced,
i fully comprehend.

But as i said, we differ totally.
He chose to give his soul to the devil,
but i have chosen to give mine back to God.

I never really cried when i blogged in my life.
But as i reflect and write this.

I realised i erred in my life.
In my arranging of priorities.

Now that i think about it,
i remember nicole asking me this once,
when we were sitting side by side.

"Who comes first in your life"

Me : " You lah. Of course you dumbo."

She : "Your parents ? God ?"

Me : "They're 3rd and 2nd respectively lahh"

She : "No God should be first.

Me : "No you. Lets don't talk about it already."


I was just deluding myself;
avoiding the fact that the answer i gave was wrong.

Now that i have tons of time,
i realised that i should return to my Christian beliefs.

& then after i can safely answer the question,
"would i go to heaven..."
with a resounding YES.

then i'll start liking you again.


Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life.


& yes lord,
I offer you my life.